


youth

by ghostofzeus



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Canon Divergance, F/M, Some Angst with a Happy Ending, bellamy and miller are besties, drunk!miller, post 3x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 17:25:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostofzeus/pseuds/ghostofzeus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke finally returns to Arkadia only to find out that Bellamy was gone. She decides to go find him. | set after 3x05</p>
            </blockquote>





	youth

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. this is my first bellarke fic so i'm sorry if stuff is OOC (this entire season is OOC so who cares anymore tbh) 
> 
> dedicated to mariah

What if we run away

What if we left today

We said goodbye to safe and sound

 

***

When Clarke returns to Arkadia she finds out that Bellamy is gone. The way they left things was far from pleasant and they both knew it, but he needed her and she knew that. She could tell by how broken his voice was that day in his bedroom, the sense of self loathing coming of him in waves. And of course now that she's finally back he's gone. She had gone to Kane immediately, hoping he'd know something of Bellamy's whereabouts. He tells her that he left roughly a day and half ago. She can see a look on his face she doesn’t know how to place as he speaks to her. An emotion she can't quite place mixed with a strong sense of hopelessness. 

He had only found out earlier when Monty had offhandedly mentioned that Miller had left in the middle of the night to go with him. "I don't know if he can comeback from this." Kane had told her. “The things Pike has convinced him do are practically unredeemable. I think it's time we let him go Clarke, he's too far gone this time.” Clarke had stayed silent and left to go seek out Monty. She had a feeling he might be able to help her track the pair down before Bellamy did something reckless. She spotted him walking towards the supply bay and ran to after him to get his attention. 

"Monty, I need you to do me a favor."

***  
And that's how Clarke ended up in the middle of nowhere in the forest bordering Trikru territory. Clarke suspicions had been right when she had spoken to Monty about knowing where Bellamy and Miller were going. Monty and Miller had grown close in the months she was gone, and by the way Monty had gotten flustered when he was talking about Miller, they were definitely more than friends. He had also mentioned to her that they were only supposed to be gone for a day or two, but with all of the provisions he seen Miller stuff into his pack they would have enough food to last them at least a week. So now here she is a day later with a pack carrying enough supplies for a week resting against her back. A large improvement from the last time she had left her people. 

She cringes at the thought of leaving again, and she’s not even sure she can call them her people anymore. Bellamy wasn’t wrong when he said that she choose the grounders over them. It’s not that she doesn’t care about her people, she does, but she needed to leave. Does she she regret it sometimes? Yes. Does it kill her to see what has happened to the people she cares about in her absence? Yes. Seeing Bellamy that day Octavia brought her back crushed her. She hadn’t seen him look that broken since the night he called himself a monster, and now he was saying “this is who I’ve always been”. He was harsh and bitter, just like how he had been on their first weeks on the ground. 

Clarke knows this person he is trying to be isn’t who he really is. If he really is who he says he is, he never would of done those things to protect the delinquents, never would’ve sacrificed himself to the mountain for them, would never feel the guilt of any of their deaths. Bellamy Blake is playing a vicious game with himself and he’s losing. 

***  
On a whim Clarke decides to go back to the dropship. Those first days on the ground seem so long ago when in reality it was only six months ago. They’ve all lost a lot since they reached the ground and it’s taken it’s toll on those who were left behind. Clarke feels guilty that she never properly grieved Wells. There was so much going on that if she stopped to mourn him she’s not sure she would of been able to pick herself back up again. That was the first time Bellamy had been genuinely kind to her, even if it was only for a short time and when they were alone. It wasn’t any grand gesture of kindness, but it was enough to get his point across. He wanted to make sure she was alright, always being a protector, even if he couldn’t stand her at the time. 

Clarke has spent a lot of time thinking about Bellamy Blake and why he would suddenly once again turn into someone he’s not. The longer she thought about it the easier it was to realize that he was closing himself off from everyone so he couldn’t lose anyone else in the same way she did. He’s been overtaken by his own guilt and it’s slowly starting to kill him.

She rounds the final bend of the path towards the old dropship and stops abruptly when she sees a small plumb of smoke rising into the air and can hear deep laughter coming from nearby. She sees two forms, leaning against a log that they must’ve dragged into the clearing, as she starts to work her way towards the ship. She can see the reflection of the fire dancing across their faces as she watches them. It’s Bellamy and Miller alright, the only thing is that she’s never seen either of them this happy before, and she hopes they didn’t accidentally eat jobi nuts again. They’re normally so close off seeing them laughing and sharing a mason jar full of what must be moonshine is foreign to her.

Clarke walks through the final layer of trees with her hands up as she enters the clearing. She sees both Miller and Bellamy fumble for their guns but put them down when they realize who she is. She had forgotten that she was still dressed like a grounder. 

“Clarkey! You’re back! Bellamy, Clarkey’s back!” Miller exclaims as he stumbles towards her to give her a welcoming hug. She’s not that close with Miller and she’s never seen him this affectionate but whatever Monty put in this batch of moonshine has turned him into a new person. 

“Hey Miller.” she says as she releases him. She looks over to Bellamy to see that he’s still sitting against the log and not look up at her. He still mad, she can tell by the way he’s no longer relaxed. Miller steps back towards Bellamy and does a grabby hand motion and makes a small whining noise to show Bellamy that he wants the jar of moonshine. Bellamy obliges and once Miller gets it he practically shoved it into Clarke's hands and gestures for her to drink. She does. It tastes like paint thinner and battery acid but she continues to sip the remaining contents of the clear jar. 

***  
Bellamy watches silently as Clarke sits down on the ground opposite of him and Miller with the rest of Monty’s ‘special’ moonshine in her hands. He studies her as she sips at it. If she’s affected by the bitterness she’s hiding it well. She hides a lot of things well, apparently he thinks.No Bellamy, you know why she had to leave, stop being a bitter old man about it. He pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts. “But, she left me, she left ALL of us.” 

Bellamy silently shakes his head this time and reaches into his bag to grab another jar of moonshine. They came prepared, big deal. Though it might be a good time to cut Miller off because he’s starting to get grabby and Monty isn’t here to rein him in. He looks over at Clarke again and watched her smile at some story Miller was telling from when she was gone. It was a sad smile, one he’s worn himself to many times recently. He hears Clarke ask Miller how Monty managed to fix up another still and Miller just shrugs “I don’t know how he did it,” he slurs “I just know he’s a cute nerd.” Clarke’s laughter echoes across the small clearing, a real genuine laugh he hasn’t heard since Unity Day all that time ago. 

Not much later, after Bellamy had done enough reminiscing of the past, Miller is passed out with his head in Clarke’s lap, looking more comfortable then Bellamy would've thought possible. Now it was time for the other shoe to drop. Miller wasn’t awake to be their buffer anymore and now the fragile barrier between them is about to breakdown, so he speaks. 

“What happened to us, Clarke? We were a team and when I, when we needed you most, you chose the grounders over us, your own people, and never gave us an explanation. I know you needed space after the mountain, we all did, but you’ve been gone for six months now. We hardly even recognize you, Clarke. Abby has come to me just so she has someone to talk to about you. She knows I care about you as much as she does. She misses you Clarke, we all do, so stay. Comeback to Arkadia for good this time. We can’t-, I can’t lose you again.” His voice grows soft as he asks her to stay. It was foolish of him to ask her again, not when she’s stayed away every other time he’s asked, but he did it anyway. “Everything with Pike, I don’t think I can ever make up for that. I was vulnerable and he took advantage of me. I was tired of waking up every day thinking ‘who are we going to lose today?’” He takes a deep and continue. “I hate having to watch our people die, Clarke, especially when I know that it’s my fault. I can’t bare it alone anymore.” he paused for a moment before whispering “We have become death, destroyers of worlds.” 

He hears Miller shift and roll off of Clarke’s lap and curl up against the log he was leaning on earlier that day. When Bellamy looks up from the ground he sees that she’s choking back tears. “Clarke I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I-”

“You deserve an explanation, Bell, I’m sorry.” she says, barely a whisper.

“They had you, Bellamy, I knew everyone would be okay because you would be their for them. That’s why I knew I could leave. They’ve always liked you more you know. I’ve seen those kids ready to follow you into the pits of hell because of how loyal they are to you, Bellamy. I trusted you to take care of them and you did. That’s the man I know, the one who puts everyone before himself. I stayed in Polis to make sure Lexa wouldn’t break her word. Again. I know now that I should’ve come home with you that day. I probably would of been able to help put an end to Pike’s crap and- and-”

Bellamy gets up to be by her side, stepping over Miller’s body as carefully as possible. “Clarke take a deep breath, I’m right here. Pike is gone, Lexa took care of him, we’re ok, we actually don’t have anything to worry about right now. None of this is your fault.” She looks up at him with a small smile on her face, “Let’s go home Bell, our people needs us. Together.”

***  
What if we're hard to find

What if we lost our minds

We let them fall behind, and they're never found.

**Author's Note:**

> The ending kind of flopped but i wanted to end this fic so oh well
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments! 
> 
> tumblr: bellamymiller twitter:bellamymilIer


End file.
